


The Sandman drabbles

by KB9VCN



Category: The Sandman (Comics)
Genre: Drabble Collection, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2005-09-30
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2018-05-28 12:19:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 36
Words: 3,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6328885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KB9VCN/pseuds/KB9VCN
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Published 30-Sep-2005; humor; 100 words.</p><p>For the <a href="http://sandman100.livejournal.com/"><strong>sandman100</strong></a> "<a href="http://sandman100.livejournal.com/42834.html">red</a>" prompt.</p><p>This is an out-take from "Brief Lives," when Delirium first got to drive.</p>
          </blockquote>





	1. Running Lights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 30-Sep-2005; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**sandman100**](http://sandman100.livejournal.com/) "[red](http://sandman100.livejournal.com/42834.html)" prompt.
> 
> This is an out-take from "Brief Lives," when Delirium first got to drive.

Delirium cheerfully drove herself and her brother through a red light. But she turned around in her seat and looked back at the traffic light. "Why do the lights have only three colors?" she asked.

"Those three are generally sufficient for controlling traffic," Dream noted.

"But there are so many other colors!" Delirium shouted, as the car rolled to a stop. "There should be a singing light, and a salty light, and a light that turns cars into giraffes! Don't you think so!?"

"I think," Dream said mildly, "that you should push your foot against the pedal on the right."


	2. In The Dark On The Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 9-Oct-2005; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**sandman100**](http://sandman100.livejournal.com/) "[shadows](http://sandman100.livejournal.com/43288.html)" prompt.

Lucien and Mervyn bowed respectfully as Dream passed them in a well-lit hallway.

"Hey, Loosh?" asked Mervyn. "Didja notice the boss didn't have a shadow?"

"That's not unusual," Lucien said. "Lord Morpheus only casts a shadow when it occurs to him to do so."

Mervyn puffed on his ever-present cigar. "That's just like him. Head in the clouds, moonin' about, while us workin' stiffs gotta obey what passes fer the laws o' physics 'round here."

Lucien sighed. "Mervyn..."

"Ya know, Loosh, some guys mean well, but they just ain't bright enough ta cast a shadow."

"Quite so," Lucien said dryly.


	3. Stars Die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 16-Oct-2005; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**wordoftheday100**](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/) "[effulgence](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/85018.html)" prompt.
> 
> Inspired by the title of a Porcupine Tree song (and rarities album).

Two humanoid aliens met in an abandoned space station orbiting a swollen dull-red star.

"Has everybody been evacuated from this star system?" one asked.

"We are the last," the other alien said, "except for her." He pointed at a pale young woman, absently gazing through a window.

"Didn't you tell her that this star is dying?" the first asked.

"Yes," the second said. "She said, 'that's why I'm here'."

"How can she stare at an unstable sun like that? Its effulgence will blind her!"

"I warned her. But she put on those dark glasses and said she was 'peachy keen'."


	4. Death Of The Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 4-Dec-2005; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[like seven stone statues](http://31-days.livejournal.com/351076.html)" prompt.

The Eldest Three met in Destiny's garden domain, near the large statues of all seven Endless.

Death greeted her younger brother warmly. "How ya doin', bro?"

"I am well," Dream said mildly. "I have performed my duties to my own satisfaction, of late."

Death sighed. "How are you, Destiny?"

" _I simply am_ ," Destiny said. " _How could I be anything more?_ "

Death rolled her eyes, and turned to the statues. "And how are all of you?"

"My sister?" asked Dream. "What are you doing?"

"I'm talking to the statues," Death said. "They're more lively and interesting than the two of you."


	5. Litterbugged

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 8-Dec-2005; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**wordoftheday100**](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/) "[alfresco, repast](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/90824.html)" prompt.

Abel heard a knock at the front door of the House of Secrets, and answered it. "Huh-hello, Gilbert!... Is suh-something wrong?"

"Abel?" said the entity known as Fiddler's Green. "You recently took a leisurely picnic lunch within my lands, yes?"

"Er, yuh-yes," Abel said.

Gilbert suddenly swung up his unsheathed sword-stick, and poked Abel in his round belly. Abel whimpered— but then, he noticed that a scrap of wax-paper was impaled on its point.

"If you wish to dine alfresco again in the future," Gilbert said, "then kindly refrain from littering my person with the refuse of your repast. Hoom."


	6. All I Want For Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 22-Dec-2005; general; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**wordoftheday100**](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/) "[voluptuary](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/92822.html)" prompt.
> 
> Happy Holidays!

A mother set her small child on the lap of a shopping mall Santa. "Tell Santa what you want for Christmas," the mother said.

The boy whimpered.

"Don't be scared," Santa said gently.

The boy suddenly 'opened up'. "Could I have a paint set?"

Santa winked at the boy's mother. "Of course! Ho ho ho!"

—

A thin pale figure turned away, unseen by mortal eyes, with a self-satisfied smirk on its lips, but also with a rarely-felt warmth in its heart. Even a selfish and dangerous voluptuary could take pleasure in its duties.

Sometimes, Desire could be a good thing.


	7. Bad Practice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 19-Jan-2006; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**wordoftheday100**](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/) "[etude](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/97212.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains graphic violence (and a rather mean-spirited joke). Reader discretion is advised.

A tiny girl sat at an old piano, slowly struggling through a Chopin etude. She was an intelligent and diligent child, but unfortunately, she wasn't blessed with musical talent.

Finally, she childishly slammed her hands against the keys. "Oh!" she cried. "I'll never be able to play this piece!"

—

The realm of Despair is a still silent place... but sometimes, sorrow can be heard.

After watching a mirror image of the girl at the piano, Despair realized that her ears were bleeding. _That's odd_ , she thought. _I haven't used my sigil against my ears. Was her piano playing THAT bad?_


	8. The Division Bell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 19-Jan-2006; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**wordoftheday100**](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/) "[knell](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/97212.html)" prompt.

An ageless nondescript man and a girl in black clothing stood at the side of a fresh grave.

"Nice to see you again," Robert Gadling said. "You're a bit late for my friend here, though."

"I've already taken care of him, some time ago," Death said, "but since you were coming..."

Just then, the church bells began to ring.

"A death knell," Gadling said. "That's appropriate, for both him and you. And perhaps, me as well?"

"If you wish," Death said. "Have you changed your mind since we last met?"

"Nah," Gadling said. "Death's a mug's game. Uh, no offense."


	9. I Want A New Duck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 19-Jan-2006; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**wordoftheday100**](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/) "[bouclé](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/97212.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also "I Want A New Duck" by "Weird Al" Yankovic.
> 
> Recycling one of my own favorite jokes from a round-robin story. (The first time I wrote it, the scarf was "a strangely-familiar twenty-foot multi-colored scarf.")

"What's the occasion?" Barnabas asked Delirium.

"I am formally dressed for a family meeting," Delirium declared solemnly. And then she giggled. "So, how do I look?"

Barnabas took a moment to examine Delirium's eclectic ensemble. The youngest of the Endless was wearing a skin-tight black rubber scuba-diving wet-suit, roller skates, a grass hula skirt, a long and unraveling pink bouclé scarf, and a live duck on her head.

"It suits you," Barnabas noted, "but I'm not sure that it's appropriate for a formal occasion."

Delirium was disappointed. "But Bruce is my best duck!"

"* _quack_ *" said the duck on Delirium's head.


	10. Pathology

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 19-Jan-2006; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**wordoftheday100**](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/) "[endemic](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/97212.html)" prompt.

Destiny slowly walked through the garden paths of his twilight realm, casting no shadows and leaving no footprints.

An observer might have thought he was lost. It was impossible for any outsider to navigate the seemingly directionless foot-paths, garden mazes and statuary endemic to this realm.

But Destiny's book guided him through his realm. It led him through unused paths that lay thick with dust...

"ATCHOO!!"

Destiny sniffed, and then returned his attention to his book. But he had lost his place, both in his book and in his realm.

_I knew I was going to do that_ , he thought.


	11. Ramblin' Men

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 19-Jan-2006; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**wordoftheday100**](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/) "[smote](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/97212.html)" prompt.

Two drifters strolled along a quiet road, enjoying each other's company for an afternoon.

"You're a young one, to be alone and on the road," one man said. "You runnin' away from something?"

The other man was actually much older, but he didn't mention it. "You could say that," he said.

"What did you do, son?" the first man asked. "Uh, if you don't mind my askin'."

"I smote the mountains, parted the seas, and laid waste to past civilizations," the Prodigal of the Endless said. "I destroyed everything."

"Sakes," the first man said. "I only stole some petty cash."


	12. Secret Mystery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 19-Jan-2006; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**wordoftheday100**](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/) "[varlet](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/97212.html)" prompt.

Dream found Lucien scrubbing at a stained table in the library.

Lucien explained. "It was Cain, Lord. It's none of my business, how often he kills Abel, but I've repeatedly asked him to wash his hands before coming into the library. This blood just doesn't come out."

"Indeed," Dream noted.

Lucien sighed. "I still don't understand how that vaudevillian varlet came to be the master of the House Of Mystery."

"Would you like to know the secret, Lucien?" asked Dream.

Lucien was taken aback. "Er... certainly, Lord."

Dream smiled an enigmatic smile. "In that case, you should ask his brother."


	13. Smoked Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 19-Jan-2006; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**wordoftheday100**](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/) "[insidious](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/97212.html)" prompt.

Lucifer made his way to a dark table in a corner of the Lux, and greeted a casual acquaintance. "Enjoying yourself?"

"Yes, thank you," Desire said, as it lit a cigarette.

"I'm sorry," Lucifer said, "but this is a smoke-free establishment."

Desire raised an eyebrow. "You must be joking."

"I'm afraid not," Lucifer said. "Some rules can't be broken— as I've learned from past experience. Anyway, you should quit smoking. Nicotine is a nasty habit and an insidious addiction."

Desire huffed. "I could quit anytime I wanted."

"Is that so?" Lucifer asked.

Desire smirked. "But *I* don't WANT to quit."


	14. Only Happy When It Rains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 19-Feb-2006; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**wordoftheday100**](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/) "[sapient](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/101249.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also "[Only Happy When It Rains](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Only_Happy_When_It_Rains)" by Garbage.
> 
> This is an out-take from issue 42 ("Brief Lives").

An annoyed Death was paying Desire a visit in its own realm.

"You know," Death said, "I've had enough of your insulting and taunting of Dream."

Desire smirked. "He simply isn't the most sapient entity. He doesn't have enough sense to come in from the rain."

"Enough!" Death dragged Desire to its gallery. "Now call him and apologize!"

An apologetic Lucien answered Desire's call. "Er... I'm afraid that Lord Morpheus doesn't wish to be disturbed now. He's, er, standing outside... er, in the rain."

Death sighed sadly. She had to admit that her brother wasn't making this easy for her.


	15. Melon Call Me Baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 5-Mar-2006; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**wordoftheday100**](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/) "[jovial](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/103356.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains gratuitous puns and mild adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Mervyn walked past Matthew and Lucien, humming a jovial worksong to himself.

"He's in an unusually good mood," Matthew noted.

"Didn't he tell you?" Lucien asked. "He has a, er, 'hot date' with a lady o'lantern, this evening."

"No foolin'?" Matthew said. "You go, Mervyn!"

"Actually," Lucien said, "the lady in question comes from a well-respected pumpkin patch in the north of the Kingdom of Sylvania."

"Oh yeah," Matthew said. "I remember Mervyn talkin' about that place. He said that all the girls up there have big melons."

Lucien sighed. "She must be out of her gourd to date Mervyn."


	16. A Gem Of A Jam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 26-Mar-2006; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**wordoftheday100**](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/) "[expropriate](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/105309.html)" prompt.
> 
> Either this takes place before the comics begin, or else it's from an alternate universe (since the ruby was destroyed).

Dream stood at the very edge of the Dreaming, high on a cliff, weaving dreams, with his ruby in hand.

Lucien walked up. "Milord?" he asked, after some time. "Is it necessary for you to place so much of your power in one stone?"

"I need tools to perform my duties," Dream said.

"But the ruby could be stolen," Lucien said, "by those who wish to expropriate a portion of your power. Or it could be lost."

Dream smiled. "I shall be careful, Lucien—"

The ruby suddenly slipped from his fingers, and fell away, lost to eternity.

Dream sighed sadly.


	17. Pitcher Window

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 27-Apr-2006; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**wordoftheday100**](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/) "[defenestrate, superfluous](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/107401.html)" prompt.
> 
> This probably takes place some time around issue #73.
> 
> This contains mild gross-out humor. Reader discretion is advised.

"Robbie?" said Gwen. "I hate to be a bother, but could you please take out the trash?"

Gadling worked over the kitchen dustbin with some good-natured grumbling. "These things are entirely superfluous, you know."

"And what, exactly, should we do with the trash instead?" Gwen said snarkily.

"Well," Gadling said, "in the good old days, we— I mean, they would simply defenestrate it."

Gwen blinked. "You're kidding."

"Not at all. Kitchen waste, worn-out clothes, busted furniture, chamber pots— it all went out the window."

Gwen gagged. "Disgusting."

"Life expectancies were short," Gadling said. "No time to take out the trash."


	18. The Decider

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 8-Jun-2006; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**wordoftheday100**](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/) "[cerebration](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/109192.html)" prompt.
> 
> This is an out-take from the [_Season of Mists_](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Sandman:_Season_of_Mists) story arc.
> 
> This contains a gratuitous pun. Reader discretion is advised.

Matthew flew out of the castle at the heart of the Dreaming, carrying the red balloon that Princess Jemmy had given to Dream.

"Nice balloon," the Gryphon at the gate said.

"Ha ha," Matthew said. "Very funny."

"How goes it with Lord Morpheus?" the Wyvern asked.

"He still hasn't decided what to do with the Key to Hell," Matthew said. "Our 'guests' are still distracting him."

"If only they would leave him to his cerebration," the Hippogriff said, "then perhaps he could make his choice in this critical matter more quickly."

Matthew agreed. "After all, it is a 'Key Decision'."


	19. Off White

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 25-Jun-2006; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**wordoftheday100**](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/) "[choleric](http://wordoftheday100.livejournal.com/111206.html)" prompt.
> 
> This takes place after issue #69.

"Hey, Loosh?" said Mervyn. "Be careful. The Boss is in a 'dark mood' today."

"Is that so?" Lucien said. "I had thought that our 'new' Lord Morpheus was less choleric than his predecessor. Why do you?—"

As if on cue, young Dream walked past, with a severe look on his face— wearing the all-black clothes of the previous Dream, instead of his newer white clothing.

Mervyn scratched his head. "Y'know, I ain't one ta judge fashion... but that just ain't right on him."

Lucien sighed wistfully. "Ah, but it makes me feel nostalgic for the way things used to be."


	20. I Am Not My Brother's Secrets Keeper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 27-Jun-2006; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[secret story](http://31-days.livejournal.com/543593.html)" prompt.

A few of the residents of the Dreaming had gathered at the House of Secrets for an informal dinner and an evening of secrets partially revealed.

"What kind of story do you have for us tonight?" Matthew asked. "Something historical? Or maybe something we never knew about someone we all know?"

"The suh-second one," Abel said, holding up a small notebook. "Tuh-tonight, I shall regale you all wuh-with a few entries fuh-from Cain's pocket diary."

"You know," Matthew said, "Cain is going to kill you when he finds out about this."

Abel shrugged. "He's guh-going to kuh-kill me again anyway."


	21. He's Got Your Number

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 11-Jul-2006; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[put away my black book](http://31-days.livejournal.com/563853.html)" prompt.

During a break from a family meeting, Death handed a small black book to Destiny. "You dropped this, hon," she whispered.

Desire happened to notice. "What is that?" it asked.

"Didn't you know, Desire?" said Death. "All things are written in the Book of Destiny... but our bachelor brother also keeps a 'little black book' with the number of every eligible woman who ever existed."

Desire raised an eyebrow. "How very interesting!—"

" _You are about to ask me if you may borrow my 'little black book'_ ," Destiny said.

Desire grinned. "Well, since you—"

" _And_ ," Destiny said, " _I will say 'no'_."


	22. Unreel Problems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 17-Jul-2006; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[all the dreams sing their song](http://31-days.livejournal.com/563853.html)" prompt.

"How goes it?" Dream asked Lucien.

"Well, my Liege," said Lucien, "although we're a bit short on staff. I've had to delegate the filing of unrealized songs, written and recorded only in dreams, to Mervyn."

"I do not wish to 'micro-manage'," Dream said, "but was it wise to entrust the Pumpkinhead with this task?"

As if on cue, Dream and Lucien overheard a loud clatter (and some profane language). And then, several loose open-reel audio tapes rolled past them. Their heads turned in unison as they silently watched the reels roll away.

"In retrospect," Lucien said, "it was most UN-wise."


	23. More Than You'd Think

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 10-Jan-2007; general/humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31_days.livejournal.com/) "[meditate](http://31-days.livejournal.com/907062.html)" prompt.
> 
> This probably takes place some time around issue #73.

"Robbie?" said Gwen. "Are you alright?"

Gadling had been sitting with his eyes closed. He came to himself with a start. "Eh?... Sorry, love. Just... thinking."

"'Penny for your thoughts'," Gwen said, "As much as you meditate on your mysterious past, it must be interesting."

"I'm afraid a penny wouldn't be enough," Gadling said smugly.

"Oh? Someone has a high opinion of themselves," Gwen said.

Gadling smiled, but he could say no more. _It's not that my thoughts are worth more than those of any other man_ , he thought. _But you can't put a price on 600 YEARS of memories._


	24. Dream Off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 1-May-2007; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31_days.livejournal.com/) "[between the click of the light and the start of the dream](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1111764.html)" prompt.
> 
> It probably happens more often than we might first think.

A tiny girl snuggled up in her bed, unaware that Lord Morpheus stood over her. _Now_ , he thought, _you shall enter my realm of—_

The girl abruptly sat up and turned on her light. Dream invisibly retreated as she pattered to the kitchen for a drink of water.

The girl eventually returned to her bed, turned off her light, and snuggled up again. * _ahem_ *, Dream thought. _NOW, you shall enter my realm of—_

The girl sat up and turned on her light again, and left for the bathroom, after apparently drinking too much water.

_At your convenience_ , Dream thought irritably.


	25. Overbooked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 4-Jul-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[there are only so many parallel universes that concern us](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3327585.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This probably takes place after the similar scene in issue #67.

Destiny had found himself troubled by conflicting realities again. But, instead of multiple Destinies, he found a second book chained to his left arm.

_I shall have to carry this extra book until the conflict is resolved,_ an annoyed Destiny thought.

He tried to walk on, and found a third book chained to his ankle.

_Uh oh_ , Destiny thought.

—

Death called on her elder brother, and found him trapped in a mound of several dozen books.

" _You will now laugh at me,_ " Destiny said glumly.

Death giggled a perky-goth giggle. "You really should use a tablet computer instead," she said.


	26. Good Dream Job

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 24-Jul-2017; general/humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[Bilita Mpash (Bantu): An amazing dream. Not just a 'good' dream; the opposite of a nightmare](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3327585.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).

"Lucien?" said Dream. "I would like your honest opinion, please. Do you think that my best work is behind me?"

Lucien raised an eyebrow. "I should hardly think so, Milord. Might I ask why you fear this is so?"

"I was only thinking," Dream said mildly. "And it struck me that many artists, composers, and writers remain productive and prolific throughout their lives... but many also created their best works while young."

"Well," Lucien said, "all I can say to that is, 'best' is subjective... at best."

Dream smiled. "Thank you, Lucien. Perhaps I HAVE already enlisted my best servant."


	27. Whistling In The Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 8-Aug-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[O Dream on your dark wings](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3328150.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> See also "[Whistling In The Dark](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBN4sOQbYxk)" by They Might Be Giants.

Lucien was reading by candlelight in a dark corner of the library when Mervyn pushed a mop past him.

"Hey, Loosh?" the Pumpkinhead said as he tried to clean the floor. "Is it just me, or is it DIM in here?"

"You could say that," Lucien said dryly.

"Why dontcha ask the boss to install some lamps?" Mervyn asked.

"Our Lord Morpheus prefers atmospheric ambiance," Lucien noted.

"More like whistlin' in the dark, if ya ask me—"

Lucien cleared his throat.

"Aaaaaand he's standing right behind me again, ain't he," Mervyn said sadly.

"Perhaps I SHOULD whistle," Dream said smugly.


	28. No Lull Lullaby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 2-Oct-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[to the peace of deathless song](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3329101.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This contains an extreme earworm. Reader discretion is advised.

"You look like you have something on your mind," Death said to Dream.

"Yes," Dream said, "but I do not wish to trouble you with my thoughts."

"Aw, c'mon, bro," Death said. "You can talk to me about anything."

"I have in fact learned three things," Dream said. "Humans get songs 'stuck in their heads' even in dreams, and I can hear the songs in their dreams..."

"And?" Death asked nervously.

"And 'Mexican Radio' is the most insidiously catchy song in the entire multiverse," Dream said glumly.

Death frowned, and then she face-palmed. "Oh, shoot. Well, I asked for it."


	29. Senses Working Overtime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 13-Oct-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[ of delirious things and the senses](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3329101.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> See also "[Senses Working Overtime](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vo-f3osP-Ww)" by XTC.

Delirium wanderered into an open-24-hours family restaurant, some time after midnight, and sat at a table.

A waitress walked up. "Can I get you something to drink... uhm, what are you doing?" she asked.

Delirium had rested her head on the table. "I'm listening to the lamination," she said.

"Actually," the waitress said, "I'm surprised that you can hear anything over how loudly you dyed your hair."

"What?" Delirium asked. 

"I said, I'm surprised that you can hear anything over your dyed hair."

"WHAT?" Delirium asked.

"I SAID— look, hon, do you want something to drink? 'Cause *I* sure do."


	30. Sleeping On The Job Hunt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 24-Nov-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[things that stop you dreaming](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3329779.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).

A college student found his room-mate wearing a suit and tie. "Do you have a job interview?" he asked.

"Yep," his room-mate said proudly. "And I'm a perfect match for the position."

"Congratulations," the student said. "I thought you gave up on finding your dream job."

"Actually, I did," his room-mate said. "But I had a dream where a powerful man told me not to give up."

"Huh," the student said. "I guess he was right."

"The funny thing is," his room-mate said, "he said that if I gave up on my dreams, HE would be out of a job."


	31. Christmas Absence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 13-Dec-2017; general/humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[the ominous inevitability of family gatherings](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3330148.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This contains adult themes. Reader discretion is advised.

A no-longer-young waitress was chatting with a red-headed stranger in an otherwise empty pub on Christmas Eve.

"Don't you have family to call on for the holidays?" the waitress asked.

"I have family, and I love them," the Prodigal said, "and I hope I never meet them again. It's complicated... You?"

"Divorced," the waitress said, "and tired of games. So... want some company tonight?"

The Prodigal smiled. "I'd like that. But I'll be leaving in the morning."

"That suits me, hon. I don't need another man destroying my life."

"I haven't destroyed anything in a long time," the Prodigal noted.


	32. Pillow Case

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 12-Jan-2018; horror?/humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[unaccountable masses of shades and shadows](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3331131.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).

Cain was awakened by a pounding at the door of the House Of Mystery. He opened it to find Abel wearing ill-fitting pajamas and holding a teddy bear.

"Cuh-can I suh-sleep here tonight?" Abel asked timidly.

Cain face-palmed. "WHAT. IS. THE. PROBLEM."

"You know there's something nasty in the basement of the House Of Secrets, right?"

"Yes?"

"It's hosting a party, and it's invited its nasty-something friends."

"So?"

"They've been drinking, and now they're having a pillow fight in their underwear."

"SO?"

"They tuh-took my puh-pillow," Abel said sadly. "I can't suh-sleep without it."

"Apparently," Abel noted, "NEITHER CAN I."


	33. Your Time Is App

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 13-Feb-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[it's not always easy to listen well](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3332043.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).

"My sister?" asked Dream. "Why are you using a smartphone?"

"Someone made an app for me!" Death said proudly. She started it, and then showed it to her brother.

Dream read from its starting screen. "'Answer a few simple questions about yourself and find out when you will DIE.'"

"And it's fairly accurate," Death said. "Neato, huh?"

"Neato," Dream agreed dryly.

"Maybe there's an app for you too," Death said.

"I doubt that," Dream said smugly. "My stories require the full attention of... my sister?"

Death didn't reply. She was checking for messages, just like a human.

Dream sighed sadly.


	34. Sleep When I'm Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 31-Mar-2018; humor/romance; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[Easter has been canceled - they found the body](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3333751.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> See also "[Sleep When I'm Dead](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cHagAp8CVo0)" by the Cure.
> 
> This contains mild adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

After taking a shower and starting some coffee, Gwen found Gadling still in bed.

"Rise and shine, Robbie," said Gwen.

"* _glfndlgpghldnplg_ *" said Gadling.

"C'mon, love," an amused Gwen said. "Don't waste your day off. You can sleep when you're dead."

_Actually, I can't,_ Gadling thought to himself. "A sleep-in snuggle is hardly a waste," he said.

"...you talked me into it." Gwen climbed back into bed and snuggled up in Gadling's arms.

After a moment, she spoke again. "Wait— you really meant only a snuggle?"

"A sleep-in snuggle can be better than sex," Gadling declared.

"That's true," Gwen said happily.


	35. Any Colour You Like

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 29-Apr-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[dye me in your colours, till all I can see is your hue](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3336873.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also "[Any Colour You Like](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-mGcfWXe0Y)" by Pink Floyd.
> 
> Just recycling a joke from [an ancient OMG fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8680825).
> 
> This contains weird gross-out humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Mervyn was chatting with Lucien and Matthew as they walked into a room where Mervyn had been working.

"The boss wanted me to repaint this room," Mervyn explained, "but I was free ta choose any color I liked. Whadya think?"

Lucien briefly looked around the room, clapped a hand over his mouth, and ran for the nearest trash bin.

"That good, huh," Mervyn said proudly.

"As a raven that eats carrion," Matthew said unsteadily, "I'm barely keeping MY lunch down. What NIGHTMARE did THIS color come from?"

"Actually," Mervyn said, "I saw it during a hangover I had last week."


	36. Death And Taxes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 21-May-2018; horror?/humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[all the nightmares came today](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3337647.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains brief violence. Reader discretion is advised.

A small mild-mannered man knocked at Death's door. "Tax collector!" he shouted.

Death nervously answered her door. "Did I forget to pay my taxes?" she asked.

"No no, miss," the man said. "I'm a nightmare. Is this not the Dreaming?"

"Oh, no," a relieved Death said. "You want my brother's realm next door."

After sending the nightmare on its way, Death closed her door. _What could be more terrifying than the taxman?_ she thought.

As if on cue, an axe came through her door. "[HERE'S JERZEI!!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aLRbJkfn2AY&t=6m20s)" its owner cried.

_My brother should provide his staff with better directions,_ Death thought.


End file.
